Let's play a game: Preschool or College?

Pictured below: Kiddo #1 as an almost preschooler practicing for her college years by hanging out in hipster coffee shops while wearing hoodies.

My husband and I have recently started down the path of looking for preschool options for our oldest for the fall. Now, I didn't even go to preschool (not that three year-old me would remember), but this is a whole new world to me. And WOW! So many options to consider, so many certifications to look up, so many parents that make me want to use ALL. OF. THE. eye-rolling emojis 🙄. I did however, attend college not so very long ago. At least not so long ago that I still have a fairly accurate memory of the process that goes into selecting an institution of higher education. As our current experience as parents of a soon-to-be-preschooler has demonstrated to us, picking a preschool for a three year-old and picking a college or university to attend (you know, to get an actual degree and all that jazz), aren't all that far off. So, as mom and dad suffer through, I mean, **ahem**, look forward to, another round of open houses this weekend, let's make the most of it and play a little game.

This is how the game works: I'll give you a brief scenario or description of something parents have likely experienced while their children are either applying to colleges or to preschools and you guess which one I'm talking about. Let's call it: "Preschool or College?"

(1) The application itself. You will enter multiple Google Calendar reminders for the application deadlines, so that you don't forget to submit as soon as the application period opens for maximum effect. This may or may not include bookmarking the multiple websites, pre-registering for accounts (hot tip you learned during a campus visit - see below), and pulling together the necessary personal and financial information ahead of time to make sure you are fully prepared when it is "Go Time"! Don't forget it's always good to have a "reach" school, a "safe" school, and a "back-up" school just in case "Little Johnny" screws something up.

(2) Campus visits. ARE. A. MUST. You will want to go to many, ideally observing the classes in session. Only two teachers with all those students?! What kind of obscene student-teacher ratio is that?! How will she ever learn anything?! This is also the perfect opportunity to ask the staff if they have any suggestions on how to set your student's application apart and/or work the system/suck up to make sure your kid gets in. Being onsite also allows you to gauge, how new facilities really are (a little too much photoshop action going on for that website I suspect)? Is that rec center really up to par? Is the the campus too close to home or too far? What if she suddenly gets home-sick and needs to come home immediately? Will you be able to drop-in for visits? Will she think you're not "cool" parents anymore and not want you to drop-in? 

(3) Credentials. Your kid might think that this whole school thing away from mom and dad is going to just be all fun and games, but as their parents, we know better and it's time to get serious. Has the school kept up with the proper credentialing? Keep an eye on those rankings parents, don't want to fall too far down in the pack now do we? How else will they be properly prepared for the real world that's ahead of them? The staff better have all of the right degrees too if they think they are getting within a mile of your kid. Keep in mind the schools will likely be unable to pay their teachers very well, but you'll be damned if the staff doesn't have multiple advanced degrees (and the student debt payments to prove it).

(4) The student body. Those all important campus visits really come in handy on this one. How else will you know if you have achieved the ideal level of ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic diversity for your child? It also becomes pretty crystal clear within mere moments of your superfluous interactions with these kids who is going to be trouble. You will want to immediately identify these individuals and warn your child against interacting with them at all costs. More than likely, shortly thereafter, your child will gravitate towards these individuals and bring them home the first chance they get. And then next thing you know you'll have to "meet the parents" and make small talk with them, all the while thinking what a brat their kid is and how your child is so superior and they just aren't right for each other.

(5) Speaking of parents... We are all so proud of how far we have shepherded our offspring in their brief time on Earth and it will be our sole purpose in life to ensure that every other adult we come into contact with knows it, especially their teachers. Be sure to make a list ahead of time of your child's life accomplishments, so that you can share it with them in it's entirety without overlooking any detail. If you don't make it to the front of the line to verbally accost the teachers with the same stories of your child's exceptionalism that they have already heard seven times that day, don't worry, you can practice your delivery by telling every single one of the other parents in the room. You'll also want to ask the teachers as many questions about the education your child will be receiving as time will allow. Of course, realistically you know precisely "zilch" about the topic, because you don't have, you know, an education degree and they do, but you'll ask anyhow. Definitely inquire about the curriculum they follow and insist that you get your hands on a copy. It's not like they are doing anything else with their time other than responding to YOUR emails.

(6) Cost $$$. Almost forgot! That bathroom renovation you were planning, those new jeans, dinner out with your spouse, the organic milk you can't live without? Kiss them all goodbye. Like today, because no matter how long you've been saving up for this, it won't be nearly enough. Don't worry though. You'd be surprised how quickly your body reacclimatizes to the taste (and sodium content) of Ramen noodles. These are the sacrifices we must make for the sake of educating our children.

Now that you've had a chance to read through and digest for a moment, here's your answer key:

If you selected "Preschool" for 1 through 6, you are correct.

If you selected "College" for 1 through 6, you are correct.

Congratulations to all of our winners and for those that missed a few, might I suggest contacting your parents ASAP to inquire as to why they failed to follow the very straightforward set of instructions I've outlined above on how to properly select an appropriate educational institution that should have provided you with the skill set to always get the answer to everything exactly right in life, like forever (because we all know it cost them enough that it should).